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Deviousness `anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
I like it.
tell me what you think.
its about Troy
The sea tessellates.
A search for security
Among royal meadows,
The Earths muscles
In the sallowness of life
And algid November remains
Graceful machines
The children are our democracy
Musketry of our fate
Silence divorces with understanding
The immaculate night as Lazarus
The Inquisition
I shall remain aphonic
The fall of Troy.
for starters, like the line the sea tessellates for this subject... it fits the story... and the scene... as does among royal meadows...
in contrast, certain imagery doesn't fit... it is out of place... either in time... or sensibility... like musketry of our fate and the inquisition and the immaculate night as Lazarus...
additionally, the poem doesn't seem to hold together... without your introduction, i'm not sure i'd understand this is about troy... mostly because of the other references... like lazarus and the inquisition... and i'm not sure what you are saying about troy... are you speaking of the historical event?... are you making a connection between the story of troy and some internal conflict/landscape?... are using troy as a metaphor for something else?... i don't think it is clear...
that said, in this context (of a story about troy), i like the line graceful machines... which is interesting, because i didn't like it in the other version... and i think musketry of our fate is visually rich... and needs to be used somewhere...
on the whole, i think i prefer the other version... in was a bit rough... but somehow i feel more connection with it... and think i saw a bit more of you peeking out... it felt more genuine in that regard...
ok... wow... that rambles a bit... i hope it is coherent...
the immaculate night as lazarus is the night they snuck out of the horse
it was a night of cheer and rejoice because they thought they had won, then the night went to sleep all was well but it came back alive as they came out and killed them all.
i changed it to "my inquisition" as in my torture, my interigation of "is this right?" and then Troy fell.
so I will work on it not being so vague.
thanks.
if not... if you like the lazarus to be the trojans... then you need to make that reading more accessible...
not the theme.
I do this often...I write something and play it off as something literal..when really its about something a lot deeper which I hadnt realized...(whether my choice of not facing it or not my choice) so yeah...
not about troy.
you will see in my edit.